I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
