Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
