I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
