Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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