watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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