why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
