Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
