I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
