3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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