Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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