It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
