i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
