saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
