So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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