i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Bring me that man meat
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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