Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
