I think i sorta joined a cult last night
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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