a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
