so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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