I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
