My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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