If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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