I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
