marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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