My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
