Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
