I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
tell me about the fingering
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