I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
