Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
