I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
