i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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