We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
