OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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