I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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