No more Irish car bombs ever.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
