I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
