I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
what the fuck happened to the tacos
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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