Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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