a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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