and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
