Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
