So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
