nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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