When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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