I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
