ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
