i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
