your parents love me but you hate me
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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