she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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