i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
