If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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